Layers, Losses, and Love

So it’s been 5 months.

5 months since I got married.

5 months since I became a pastor’s wife.

5 months of a whole new adventure.

I have been through many changes in life. I have learned that God can use the changes in life for good – if we allow Him to. Changes are NEVER easy. Not that I am not happy to be married. Not that I didn’t want this. But still change is NEVER easy. It’s like a whole new way to discover where you need to improve yourself. Because if you don’t look at it that way – you will be miserable. Be prepared to see the ugly in yourself.

Becoming a Pastor’s Wife has been one of the most rewarding and most challenging changes. Figuring out friendships has been the most challenging. Things have changed. I changed. They changed. And I am trying to figure it all out again.

First of all as a Pastor’s Wife I have learned friendships are in layers. Some friends are people I see at church and talk to on a regular basis. Some friends are the ones I talk to daily and they know everything about me – good and bad.

Second I have learned that there will be loss in the change of life. As life rotates and moves – friendships change. How we all handle and react to the change makes a difference. If you are moving away and want to stay close you have to choose to make contact regularly. But if not then you deal with the loss of those close friendships. It’s ok to grieve those losses. But in God’s hands it will bring you to the place in life He wants you to be in and He will bring you new friends in time.

And yet I still love all of my friends just as much. Love is still there. In the layers and in the losses – there is still love. A deep caring and concern for these people. Because I CHOSE to be a Pastor’s Wife. I chose to care about these people because I really do care about these people. And I know God can use me to help them through life.

Through all the layers, loss, and love.

Hebrews 13:8 “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever”.

Through all these changes. He DOES NOT CHANGE. He is the one consistent thing in our lives. In my life. I need that stability. It is my sanity.

Here is another change that occured in my life, if you wanna continue to read:


Cancer has defined me

As many of you may know I am a breast cancer survivor. There are many people who say “Don’t let it define you”. But it is not something you can help. It changes you. Whether for the good or the bad. It changes you.

One thing about the battle and the treatments, they change you physically as much as spiritually and psychologically. I deal with it daily. Even four years down the road. And I will deal with it the rest of my life.

Physically I have changed tremendously. I was weak. I had joint problems. I was fatigued all the time. I used to be so athletic. I loved sports. I was a big gymnastics fan. And even before the cancer I loved to do Zumba cause I loved to dance. But that was no more. I tried but one day of exercise meant several days of recovering. I was so tired and so achy. After many times of trying to get myself back ‘into shape’ I gave up. I just quit even trying. I didn’t exercise at all for a year.

But things changed. My life changed. God brought to me a man who wanted to take care of me. But not just that to let me be myself for the first time EVER in my life. Now I have time to take care of myself. I have been to many doctors appointments over the last few months. It came to be known that I was not healthy. I have gained 30 pounds. My blood pressure struggles to stay down. My triglycerides are up. I knew I needed to do something. Thanks to an understanding oncologist I was able to lower my meds a bit. But then I heard about this class at the YMCA. I had heard about it before. But I was a working full time single mom and it wasn’t gonna happen. Now I have time for it. Now I have time for me.

LiveStrong. Kind of speaks for itself. Live. Strong. That’s what cancer patients have to choose to do.

Through this class I have been shown how to read my body better but also have some wonderful ladies who are showing me how to start over again.

I spent a year depressed thinking I’d never be able to be that athletic energetic woman again. But yesterday, I was working out and was able to actually up some of the weights. That little victory was huge for me. I knew then that I could recover. I could get back to feeling better. I could get back to that woman I used to be. I just needed to be gentle and kind to myself and realize how much this battle took out of me.

Psalms 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”

‘Brokenhearted’ is actually two words in the Hebrew. ‘Broken’ does mean exactly that. Broken in pieces. ‘Hearted’ comes from the Hebrew ‘leb‘ which means inner man, mind, will, heart.

God will heal the broken pieces of your inner parts. And He promises to bandage up your injuries. A battle causes many injuries. Inner and outer. God promises to heal those injuries. As long as we have stayed faithful to Him. He will in time. And I have come out a stronger person because of Him. My faithfulness has healed me.