Living Cruciform. I have heard this and heard this many times this week.

Live  cruciform. What in the world does that mean? A cruciform is a cross. To be challenged to live cruciform means live the shape of the cross. Look up and stretch out. Live cruciform.

I have not done that like I should in the past. It’s what I realize this world needs. People who are living more cruciform.  Turn off the tv’s and the facebook. Look up and stretch out those arms. Open yourself to all that God is telling you and listen!!! Listen!!! Listen!! Then OBEY!!!!!

Jesus broke His body for us. Our broken hearts were taken and filled with His grace and mercy and we have our heads down. Worrying more about what others think of us than what He thinks of us.

If we don’t look up and open ourselves to Him we become vulnerable to Satan and all the destructive thoughts and temptations he will throw our way. Allow Him to be our ‘sheepgate’. We are His sheep. He is our gate that protects us from Satan. We have to choose to step in and allow Him to fill our brokenness and protect our hearts and our minds.

Romans 12:2a (ESV)                                                                                        “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, ……”

Personally, I will tell you this has become a daily challenge for me. As I struggle through while my husband is having to work tons of hours right now and barely sees me. I could easily go slump myself in a corner. Read facebook and start going off on how awful my life is and my husband is for doing this to me. But I choose to look up and not let those destructive thoughts in my head. Because that is what destroyed my other marriages. God will get us through this tough time. God will take are of us. It is all promised to those of us who are faithful to Him. My husband has a job and one that allows me to stay home. #counthoseblessings.

Remember my last post?

Lets count those blessings:

  1. my husband has a good job
  2. my husband works hard to provide and take care of me
  3. I have a husband who really wants to take care of me this time
  4. my husband loves God more than me(YES THAT IS A BLESSING!)
  5. the weather has been wonderful the past 2 days(had to slip that in)

Now your turn. Don’t let Satan put destructive thoughts in your head. Count those blessings. Allow God to protect your mind. LIVE CRUCIFORM!!!


Give it to God

I have dealt with brokenness for years. From my second divorce to being diagnosed with breast cancer. I am a 4 year survivor and thought I was in the clear except dealing with lots of side affects and very bad health – that I had just decided to give to God to help me get under control. But then at my mammogram this week a spot was found on my left breast. I was asking what the heck is going on here??!!! I offered my brokenness and I get more. I am reeling from it all and trying to figure it all out. But I know for a fact that I still have got to give it to God. I have to. I had a friend ask me what other choice do I have except to wallow in it and be depressed and crying all the time. At my lowest point – giving it all to God.

I have started reading “Broken Way” by Ann Voskamp. She is a writer that is not afraid to be vulnerable and open up about all that she is dealing with. Her first book “A Thousand Gifts” was a book about thanksgiving and counting your blessings. I read it during my chemotherapy days. I learned the importance of counting your blessings before offering yourself to others and to God. When Jesus  took communion with his disciples, Luke 22:19 says, ‘And he took bread and when he had given thanks he broke it and gave it to them…’

He took the bread and He gave thanks. Always in our life our first thing we should do is give thanks. GIVE. THANKS.

My last blog I talked of my struggle of knowing all I needed to do is give this to God and trust Him to take care of me. But I will honestly say I have not recently done a very good job at giving thanks to Him for what I have now. Thanks for how far He has brought me and taken care of me and my daughter.

Our hearts have been broken by many things. This brokenness an be bad. But ‘bad brokenness can be broken by good brokenness’. The first thing to do to take care of your heart is to always give thanks. Give your broken heart to God and thank Him for what He has done. Trading your bad brokenness for His good brokenness.

As I give thanks I am able to see where God has taken care of me in the past and present and then KNOW that He will take care of me in the future. The knowing is what travels from our heart to our head as we give thanks. So what am I thankful for today?

  1. my hard working husband who wants to take care of us
  2. doctors who surround me with their knowledge to take care of me
  3. friends who pray for me incessantly
  4. being able to stay home with my daughter so she can have what she needs
  5. a roof over my head, food in my pantry, clothes, warm water

Thank you God.

Wallowing in it is not my choice. I will be thankful to God for all He has done for me. To heal through my broken heart, I will offer it to Him with my thanksgiving.




Pride is a kicker!

I had a mammogram two days ago.

I know that seems like nothing. Besides going through the usual pain of being smashed between to pieces of metal and holding your breath through the pain, it is so rough for someone who has had cancer.

I walked into the ultrasound room telling the nurse, Rita, a friend of mine since I was diagnosed 4 years ago, “Ignorance is bliss”. First time around was so much easier.

Two weeks prior to the mammogram my anxiety was welling up. I was so ashamed. I just kept telling myself to get over it. God has got this. Stop worrying about it. I could not get past it.

Till my brother jerked me to reality. Younger brothers can be good for that. His comment to me was, “Pride is a kicker!” Seriously?! Why can’t you be like everyone else and feel sorry for me??!!! I stepped back and took a breath. I knew my brother well enough to know he meant well. See that is what happens when your in an actual relationship with someone. Say what they want and know they have good intentions even if you don’t like hearing it.

After stepping back and taking a breath I asked him what in the world he meant by that-? Well my actual words I think had something to do with asking him what he was trying to preach to me. He is a pastor at heart.

His words were, “Anxiety comes from a lack of trust in whatever area that(you think) He can’t handle it so you take it on yourself. Comes out in anxiety and depression but the real issue is pride – ‘I need to do this because I can’t trust His sovereignty in success or failure of this thing’. ‘I can’t trust Him so I must take it on’.”

Wow. Just wow. I knew it’s what was getting me. I knew God could handle this. I knew. And I was good for now.

But then that day of the mammogram and I find myself getting the ultrasound and memories of 4 years ago come flooding back. And yet again pride is kicking my butt. I even posted this:

With the words, “Giving this to God. Open hands…”

But my heart was not getting it. My heart was just sure God had lost all control and that was it for me.  Here it is two days later and I still am struggling with it all. I am reeling from the pride and lack of trust. I am mad at myself for not just getting over it and trusting God in this. I know what I need to do. But my heart is not doing a good job of accepting it all.

I know this verse by heart:

So what really is my problem? Am I truly giving it ALL over to God? Or am I just playing the game and saying the right words?

I think this gives me something to really truly work on and pray through over the next few days. And it you are reading this please feel free to give me your opinion. I will be back here more often as I go this journey.