I had a mammogram two days ago.
I know that seems like nothing. Besides going through the usual pain of being smashed between to pieces of metal and holding your breath through the pain, it is so rough for someone who has had cancer.
I walked into the ultrasound room telling the nurse, Rita, a friend of mine since I was diagnosed 4 years ago, “Ignorance is bliss”. First time around was so much easier.
Two weeks prior to the mammogram my anxiety was welling up. I was so ashamed. I just kept telling myself to get over it. God has got this. Stop worrying about it. I could not get past it.
Till my brother jerked me to reality. Younger brothers can be good for that. His comment to me was, “Pride is a kicker!” Seriously?! Why can’t you be like everyone else and feel sorry for me??!!! I stepped back and took a breath. I knew my brother well enough to know he meant well. See that is what happens when your in an actual relationship with someone. Say what they want and know they have good intentions even if you don’t like hearing it.
After stepping back and taking a breath I asked him what in the world he meant by that-? Well my actual words I think had something to do with asking him what he was trying to preach to me. He is a pastor at heart.
His words were, “Anxiety comes from a lack of trust in whatever area that(you think) He can’t handle it so you take it on yourself. Comes out in anxiety and depression but the real issue is pride – ‘I need to do this because I can’t trust His sovereignty in success or failure of this thing’. ‘I can’t trust Him so I must take it on’.”
Wow. Just wow. I knew it’s what was getting me. I knew God could handle this. I knew. And I was good for now.
But then that day of the mammogram and I find myself getting the ultrasound and memories of 4 years ago come flooding back. And yet again pride is kicking my butt. I even posted this:
With the words, “Giving this to God. Open hands…”
But my heart was not getting it. My heart was just sure God had lost all control and that was it for me. Here it is two days later and I still am struggling with it all. I am reeling from the pride and lack of trust. I am mad at myself for not just getting over it and trusting God in this. I know what I need to do. But my heart is not doing a good job of accepting it all.
I know this verse by heart:
So what really is my problem? Am I truly giving it ALL over to God? Or am I just playing the game and saying the right words?
I think this gives me something to really truly work on and pray through over the next few days. And it you are reading this please feel free to give me your opinion. I will be back here more often as I go this journey.